How To Be Metal: A List

Chances are if you're reading this list you are not metal. You are probably a pussy who looks at girls where no one can see you. This is the exact kind of person who's been pissing me off lately, crotch fucks who talk to me about shit they think is metal or cool. Listen, I don't care if your dog "don't wear no leather to fit in, don't wear no spikes to be cool", I will still kick that shit if it comes near me. Don't talk to me about what is metal, I am metal. If you already can't handle this then back out now, shit's about to get intense.

Number 1: Don't listen to your parents

FUCK your parents. What have they ever done for you besides get divorced when you were four years old, breaking your heart forever.

Number 2: Hate the government

FUCK the government. They invented school which sucks every set of balls ever in existence. Plus they put your dad in jail when he tried to take me from my mom's when I was 7 so we could be happy for once. Also, complain a LOT about how the government does stuff but don't offer any ideas on how to fix it. They made this mess, not you.

Number 3: Color co-ordination

If your favorite color isn't black or red you're doing it wrong. Wearing lots of black with a healthy amount of red is instantly metal, setting you apart from all the other regular jack offs out there. Lots of poser pants think this way too though and wear these colors. They can be easily picked out due to the fact that they are complete fucking pussys. Also, any color can be badass,true metallers know this. Matching the color with the exact kind of badass you feel like that day is key, and will automatically set you apart from 95% of the world's pussy population.

Number 4: Girls suck but don't be gay

Girls suck but unless you're Rob Halford being gay is not an option. Girls are good for a) sex b) cooking meals; this is something Lemmy knows which is roughly 5/4 of why he's a metal legend, the other 3/6 being that he's a complete badass. If you let a girl get her claws into you it's not completely over, you can still write some pretty metal songs about bitches, check out Pantera's "This Love".

Number 5: All inclusive

If you skipped over the others because you're a shit then read this one. Being metal is ultimately about not giving a shit what other people think, but this is something that can't be faked. You need to honestly be a self absorbed and belligerent asshole. Having a rough childhood will really help with this one. If no one showed up at your 12th birthday party because they all thought "he's that really weird kid" then you are well on your way. Also, because you lack almost the entire skill set that would make you desirable for any real job position, a band is pretty much your only hope for making a living. Good news though is that playing metal music is pretty easy. Take a guitar, turn the distortion on your amp all the way up, and just hit the low E string as fast as you can and you instantly have a metal rhythm track. Singing is also a breeze, just scream whatever shit poetry you wrote about that time you got beat up in 10th grade for "wearing long hair like a queer ass fag kisser bitch".

If you follow this list you will become metal. I am not responsible for any shit you do with your new found powers. Why is that? Because the magic was inside you all along! Have a nice day!