The Boy Who Ate Everything

I've got a new movie pitch. It will be called "The Boy Who Ate Everything" and the European title will be "Foodman 2: Feeding Frenzy". The movie will star Steve Martin as a typical young American boy: fat, lonely, and hungry. Insatiably so. Set in the heart of urban sprawl the movie will pretty much be a documentary about his life, although it's not a real documentary. I think I'm gonna call it a mockumentary, or mockdoc for short. I made those up. It will start out slow, just a typical day at school for the ancient Steve Martin. You're thinking,"Just a normal boring day?", right? WRONG! He's gonna be eating the shit out of everything! Wakes up chewing on his pillow. Walks downstairs and bites his mom's finger off when she hands him his breakfast. He will cackle out, "Didn't know you were gonna serve me LADY FINGERS!" This will mainly sound like someone talking with his mouth full. His mouth will always be full.

The next scene will be him in a class room at school, all of the desks around him empty, a tower of pizza boxes next to his desk. The camera will focus on him devouring whatever the fuck is on his desk in blissful ignorance, then slowly pan to a fellow classmate. This classmate will be an emaciated boy, solely focused on Steve Martin's character. The teacher will be lecturing about shit all but these two are separate from the rest of the class, her voice a low senseless buzz. The camera will zoom slowly in on the boy's face. Tears are flowing from his eyes while in the background Steve Martin noisily slops down whatever the hell I tell him to. A later scene will take place during the school's recess. Kids will be playing, having the time of their lives, but then Steve Martin lumbers into view. There will be a recording of me going "EEEEWWW" as he steps on scene to let the audience know just how to react. Slobbery food mash stuck on his face, shirt, and hands, Steve Martin will waddle to the nearest group of kids playing basketball. Through some freak accident the ball will land near him. He will pick it up and begin to eat it. "Slam dunk, right guys?" he'll chortle into the camera, food paste flying out and obscuring the lens. The final scene will be him lying in bed, moments before sleeping. Lips smacking, he will be lying on his back, chewing on nothing. Nothing but his own sorrow as he reflects on yet another day where for all his devouring, he remains empty inside. The camera will move out from his room, the door will close. On the door will be one word, the boy's name: Greed.

Roll credits, show awesome dance party at end between me and Steve Martin, maybe some babes too if he'll allow it. Let's make it happen.